Monday, October 25, 2010


O I have seen the hills ablaze
with God's own Majesty;
the golden flair against the green
in fiery ecstasy.

The breath I seized of stolen glory
from the enchanted air
left jewels upon my memory
forever printed there.

(East Texas Autumn of 1998)

So where were we? Ah yes. Forrest has married Jenny. I'm very serious, and very pleased, and bless their hearts, they think McKinney Texas is the greatest place on earth. Isn't that wonderful?

The wedding was lovely. I got there---actually got there---overmedicated and in a state of near panic, but it was lovely. I could write reams about all my children's weddings, but never do them justice. I was absolutely amazed and humbled by what Jenny's mother had accomplished. So beautiful, so elegant.

I fully expected to be 3 weeks bedridden in exchange for making the wedding because that's how things work with lupus, or at least with mine. I can only fake it for so long. I could barely make it to bed Sunday night, so imagine my surprise when I woke up Monday morning feeling a good deal better than usual...and felt progressively better through the day...On Tuesday morning, I was, amazingly, symptom first REAL remission since my thyroid came out...unbelievable to be without pain anywhere---like a sort of benevolent sensory deprivation...lying in bed giggling because it felt like I was floating...giggling because it didn't hurt to put on my socks...hearing Dennis say---HEY! You're not screaming while you put up the dishes!

I scream while I put up the dishes? Well, good on me for stopping, because that must be really annoying...

I know that God did this for me because I was beginning to despair. Constant pain makes you squirrelly. I would imagine that everyone in the world felt like this, and that I was the only one who couldn't cope...the entire world was in a sort of hopeless, horrible conspiracy to appear happy and healthy when they were really in agony and I was the only one who was such a wuss that I couldn't play along---how contemptible...

And then it was as if God said, "No, normal people feel like THIS, see? So it's okay for you to be incapacitated with pain, because you really actually do feel like you have been hit by a truck and contracted the flu!" It was so beautiful and so exactly what I needed that I, of course, wept. Dear Father, to love your worthless child so much! Even if it ends tonight, my gratitude is sealed. I am so happy. I wouldn't trade places or conditions with anyone, anywhere. He gives me EXACTLY what I need...

I'm trying not to overdo, cutting back steadily on the pain meds---didn't seem a good idea to cold turkey...not after taking them for so long...but I'm down to half so pretty cool. Muscles still weak, but that horrible ever present pain is just not there...

So that's the good news. On the flip side, Seguin is having a painful flair---not that she is ever "normal", but she is really hurting a lot. Going to school is really more than she should do, but she does it, because she feels she has hurts to see her hurt...

And now we have a diagnosis of 4th stage renal failure for Dennis. It isn't mine to really discuss, but for anyone who reads this blog, please pray for a good man who has always put duty ahead of all honorable man in a horrible age. I will publish major news here...We have much hope!

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